Had another weight management appointment today. I have to have 6 of them before insurance will even look at me for WLS. Today was #5. It is all going pretty well. The attending doc told me I had good genes. Since I don’t have any health issues that usually come with being fat – I am pretty healthy for tipping the scale at 300 plus. Of course that is what they tell me – good genes.
If I had good genes I wouldn’t be fat.
Everyone in my family is fat or struggles with weight. There isn’t a lot of acceptance either. I can’t remember a time when weight wasn’t made an issue for me. My earliest memory about my body was thinking my thighs were too fat. I was four.
Thing is looking at pictures of me as a kid – I wasn’t fat. It was just all of the negative talk and poor body image the people around me had. Trying not to be bitter but I wonder where I would be today if the people in my life LOVED their bodies.
My cousin once told me I needed to suck in my gut – basically hold my breath and keep my stomach muscles tight all of the time … I was 5.
Everyone seemed to be on a diet all of the time and losing the battle.
I tried love and acceptance for as long as I could – 100 lbs of it. But I don’t love my body at 318 pounds. I didn’t love my body at 218 pounds but I tried.
I really did try to be a better person by just accepting my genetic fate since diets didn’t work and eating right and exercise didn’t make a dent. Love myself at any size. But once finding clothes that fit off the rack became a problem I had to make a choice. I’m giving up the charade. I don’t love my body like this. If I don’t accept that now it will only get worse. Denial is a bitch.
So this is me – truckin’ along the truth highway and giving it all I’ve got. Fat happens and there is nothing wrong with a thick girl – I honestly believe that big can be beautiful. But for me there is a “too big” stage and I am dancing all over it.